My guardian Angel
by matash21
Summary: Buffy is dealt the harsh reality that she send the love of her life Angel into hell. She is haunted with the memories he left behind and she try to run from the truth, problem is it keep following her.


**So, hello there Buffy fans. I am new to Buffy fanfiction so I honestly don't know what to expect from you guys. I started watching Buffy season one on Friday and as season two turned into season 3 I was touch deeply by the story line of how Buffy ran away. This  
>story is basically Buffy's POV on how she dealt with her bereavement and guilt of both killing her truth love and running away from her mom and friends<strong>.

**The song: 'Full of grace' by Sarah McLachlan (use in the season 2 finale) works depressingly well with this chapter. ** **So please,Enjoy**

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><p>How could have I done that to him? I LOVED HIM! <em>I love him. <em>

The demon which possessed his beautiful soul was a murderer, a monster! But somehow all I could see was our love; the pure evil which stole him from me to begin with was overpowering my emotions and made my knees tremble and quake. For when he looked at me with those eyes I knew that they were his again, my beautiful Angel, but – it was too late, the portal had already been opened and slowly it was sucking in the world around it – it was either him or the world. I made my choice as the slayer, though my heart told me different. How I wish I could hold him, kiss, him, feel him one last time, to feel his bone chilling skin smoulder upon mine in deep passion, the love which consequently ripped his soul from his body, his mind, his heart. The heart which belonged to me.

I can still feel his lips lingering upon mine, that last time, the last time ever. I smell him upon my clothes, my hair, the last essence of his soul and being, fading as time passes so quickly, yet every minute elapses like a year when he's not here to comfort me or envelope me in his masculine arms. There are no chances of him coming back to me and so I must leave Sunnydale. I cannot be the slayer any longer, every dusting reminding me of the things I have done. First stealing his soul from him through love and then his life, my heart is an aching, hollow void where he belonged - belongs.

My life is no longer real, no longer liveable when there is no chance of him returning to me and so the decision to leave is wise at this time, added with the fact my mom said – well rather shouted: 'You walk out of this house, don't even think about coming back!' the words echoing in my mind, my mom, of all people to say that, to me! I'm not going back, I can't! Perhaps never return to the hell-mouth I call – I called a home. Never retuning to Xander... Willow... Giles – the only pull factors back there, friends of a lifetime, but; I can no longer live with the facade I call life.

Sitting here as the darkness swallows the night, the moon beaming down through the cloudless sky. I close my eyes and escape the nightmare to relive them in my mind, hoping that a vampire is close by to drain my body from my impurities of life, every moment without him makes my heart weep. For so long I have been strong, a stone cold wall of ice built up over the years but now this has sent it crumbling, the foundation lay a path to a fragile 17 year old stricken with grief, a motherless 17 year old who needs to find a home, someone to console in. A 17 year old full of loneliness. Heartache

I sit here for another few hours reliving the past few month in my mind like a vita-scope on the back of my eyes every time I close them, the horrors tallying together. What should I do? I can't just skip town without telling anyone, they might think I am dead, well then I suppose their lives will be better without me, it's my fault Giles got tortured and that Ms. Calendar died, I can't cause them anymore pain then what they are already feeling. They will forget about me, they will move on. I just can't live here anymore, every day a constant reminder of Angel, the love of my life, the holder of my heart for eternity. I even bet my mom won't miss me; after all she hated the idea of me being a slayer and all and now she won't have either, I suppose it will make her happy, forget about her only daughter and move on.

I stand up wearily from the bench and head towards my house; I know what I have to do; be a coward for once in my life and run. I wander aimlessly up the dark streets lit only with street lamps, the world seeming empty and quiet like my now guilt ridden soul. The man I had come to love with every beat of my heart had returned out from the darkest despair, but he appeared too late, I couldn't do anything, I was too late. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes again as I think about everything over and over, what could have been done differently so that he could have been here now for me to console in after being lost for months inside a demon. For I fear I shall not feel love like I have for Angel, he was my guardian, a part of my soul which made me complete. My heart only aches when it is beating for every beat is for Angel, my heart belongs to Angel.

The sun slowly begins to rise in the dismal sky, the melancholy feeling which whispers despair through my aching body and I see my house as I enter the street, breathing in the few last breaths of Sunnydale. I approach the house taking in the last view for what may be forever. I jump onto the roof outside my bedroom window and crawl through silently. I peer around my room; inhaling the scents of my mother. I can't believe I'm doing this; though I have no choice, I cannot prance around this facade of a town anymore without thinking of Angel not being with me, never going to be with me, because of me. I stare around the room, the photograph of Willow, Xander and I all laughing, catches my attention. When I started school they gave me hope that there was more to this town then met the eye, they gave me hope when everything else seemed to fail, but now I have to leave, its better this way, no one else has to get hurt, I can't let anyone else get hurt. I walk over to my dresser and pick up a pencil and a sheet of pink craft paper.

"_Mom, I know you're disappointed in me, I cannot shake the feeling that I am a burden to you and that it will be best if I leave here. I can't apologise more for being 'chosen' as the slayer but I cannot be here to hurt anymore people, Including you. Your life can only get simpler from here on in. I'm sorry, I love you and I always will, you're my mom. Sorry again. Love Buffy." _

I hear the stairs creek and I jump slightly fearing the fact that mom might find me here, forcing me to stay beyond my wishes. I place the letter on the bed and go out of the window, hiding out of view but so that I can still hear everything going on inside the room.

She enters my room; I hear the sound of footsteps as she barely whispers my name 'Buffy?' I can hear the pain in her voice, I know that the thing she said last night was most probably a mistake but I cannot burden her any longer, I cannot cause her anymore pain or grief. I hear her footsteps approach my bed and I try to hold back my tears as I hear her stop, no doubting she found the letter dropped onto my bed. I hear the rustling of paper and all is silent inside my bedroom. She exhales a quiver slightly and she sits down on my bed, she stars crying, whimpering boldly, I dare not to move in case she were to discover me. I whisper gently into the wind, _'I'm sorry mom.'_ I hear her get up and leave my room, closing the door which is a painful reminder of me behind her, still silently crying to herself. I wipe away my tears with my sleeve and enter back through the bedroom window, this time grabbing a bag and some clothes before sliding back out the window again. I reluctantly slide off of the roof into the bushes below, making sure the coast is clear before making my way out of town.

I stand paralysed next to a tree opposite Sunnydale High and I see the gang form and they begin to talk. The angst in their eyes reveals their worry for me but I cannot say goodbye for goodbye is the hardest thing to say when all you feel is guilt. With no happiness their is no point in life and I shall not wish to see the ones I hold dear in my heart watch myself self destruct, or worse. I know I'm being selfish but the pain is numbing my body and soul that I fear I will die from a broken heart, why didn't I let him take me with him? Clasp dearly on to him and get pulled in too, for an eternity in hell with Angel is better then a splintered soul and fracture heart here and now. My life is an emptiness of despair, the future a bleak vision through frosted glass. I begin my slow decent to the Sunnydale bus depot and wait for the first bus going out of town. I wait. A bus arrives and I get on, as I enter the bus I inhale the sickly musky stench of Sunnydale, possibly the last time ever, I try and hold back the tears from spilling over. '_Goodbye Sunnydale' _I whimper in my head as the bus departs and begin its decent out of Sunnydale.

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><p><strong>Please review and tell me how you found this chapter and tell me whether you think I should continue.<br>Thank you for taking the time to read this. **


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